Too Awesome to Last

I found my copy of this album on the weekend and I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Ace of Base were and in many ways still are the greatest band of all time. Now before you get all high and mighty and pretend you don't recall rockin' out to The Sign in your car, step back and think about it for a second. Ace of Base were one of the only dance acts to successfully insert that random "we're giving the guy a chance to sing/rap in the middle of the song bit" in any of their songs. Par example in Don't Turn Around:

As he walks away he feels the pain getting strong
People in your life they don't know what's going on
Too proud to turn around he's gone....gone..

....Simply haunting.

They were crazy big in Europe when I was a kid and I remember being at a club called "The Whale" (those wacky Portuguese) and people fuckin' going ape shit over All That She Wants. Personally I didn't get the song--never quite sure why the typical guy would be pissed that some girl just wants him for sex and then plans to be "gone tomorrow". Isn't that like the hetero fantasy? But I digress, as the dance remix of the song was pretty much all anyone listened to at the time and no one at "The Whale" knew what the fuck was being said anyway.

Then comes The Sign which is arguably their most well-known song. She saw the sign she sings, and it opened up her eyes she saw the sign and she is happy now living without you, she left you Oh Oh Oh! What was this sign? What did it teach her? Not only were their lyrics touching and relatable but also mysteriously enigmatic.

Ulf, Jonas, Jenny & Malin, Today I salute you and anxiously await your 4th release.

Of Slurpees & Skeevies

Dear girls who approached Earl and I outside the 7-Eleven on Battleford while we were just enjoying our so-good-but-so-damn-sickening slurpees. When you asked us where we lived and I said east of here I thought I was throwing you off, but unfortunately east is where you needed to go. Now from here I made some bullshit excuse about going to our friend's house while Earl sucked away on his drink too afraid to speak.

The truth is we were going back east, most likely to the exact area you needed to go, but unfortunately you totally skeeved us out. It's weird enough to drive strangers anywhere but throw in the fact it's 2 a.m. and one of you certainly has some form of facial scabies we couldn't get out of there fast enough. Now you may not have been the venereal disease infested, shiv-hiding crack-hos we made you out to be, but you creeped us out none the less. Here's hoping you got home okay and no innocents needed to be stabbed with a spoon you sharpened in the bathroom at the Wendy's across the street.

With Regards,
Jamie

Kabbalah vs. Scientology

Inspired by both my curiosity of alternate religions and the slew of celebrities so bloated in their self-importance they think they have hit the "one true faith" nail on the head I have been reading up on Kabbalah and Scientology; because if there is someone out there whose advice I trust to lead the lost sheep to trascendence it's Madonna and Tom Cruise.


KABBALAH:
I have been on their website for damn near an hour now and the best thing I can compare it to would be shopping in a store where the staff all work on commission but no one knows the products at all:


Customer: Hi I was looking to see if you knew where we come from and what our purpose on Earth is?
Kabballah Associate: Those questions can be found in our courses starting at $19.99
Customer: Oh my bad I don't have that much on me, I didn't think I would have to pay for enlightenment.
Kabbalah Associate: Oh, well for a smaller donation you can have this red bracelet that is specially created to ward off the evil eye.
Customer: By "specially created" do you mean mass produced at a sock factory in Laos?
Kabbalah Associate: .....yes

Much like the Simpsons' Movementarians or those late-night buy & sell infomercial schemes, er.. ventures, they make a lot of awesome promises: "Imagine if there was a miraculous source of power so profound, so powerful, it could totally heal and transform your life and genuinely change our world for the good - forever!" Holy Shit that sounds awesome! Tell me more! Kabbalah reveals all the spiritual and physical laws that govern the cosmos and the human soul. It answers questions. It provides solutions. It unravels puzzles. It deciphers codes. Awesome, I am totally up for some code deciphering, or as the brilliant Jason Mulgrew stated: "Kabbalah is so wonderful that it is like bowling a 300 game, meeting Jesus Christ, winning the lottery, and receiving oral sex from the entire female cast of 'Baywatch' rolled into one, and extended forever throughout time and space until the end of time and beyond and into infinite space forever."

Vague promises, marketing tie-ins, and the fact that it's Jewish mysticism minus all the, you know, Jewish stuff makes this the best pseudo-faith ever. Pass the Kool-Aid!


SCIENTOLOGY:
I wanted to keep an open mind, I really did; but this --> is based on one of L. Ron Hubbard's texts. The man who promises Scientology can bring about positive changes in states of health, ability and intelligence is also the author of Battlefield Earth. But I wanted to be fair, Scientology must be comprised of something beyond cheesy sci-fi and Cruise's couch-jumping fanaticism right? Well if it is they certainly don't make it easy to figure out.

Much like Kabbalah the actual basis and purpose of the faith is shrouded in mystery. Wait, scratch that, not so much shrouded in mystery as shrouded in answers that can be accessed with a valid credit card number and/or PayPal account. If your way of life is truly as kick-ass as you make it out to be, why the hell is it so hard to get some free, official information. The Church of Scientology's wesbite declares, "The Scientology religion is about the individual man or woman. Its goal is to bring an individual to a sufficient understanding of himself and his life and free him to make improvements where he finds them necessary and in the ways he sees fit." What the hell does that even mean? Any time you click on anything to learn more you are presented the awesome opportunity to order some of their "suggested reading".

Fine, don't tell us. As long as Tom Cruise is telling women that post-partum depression is treatable with simple vitamins (thanks Tommy, It's good to hear from someone who knows), and John Travolta is blasting through space with his white man dreds I think the majority of the population will see you for what you are. I mean sure, many of us take marital advice from a man who's not only barred from marriage but from any sexual thought at all, and follow a church that decrees the poor and meak are God's chosen people from their pedestals of marble and gold, but if I want to know the jist of Christianity I can attend a public service, reach for the drawer in my hotel room or drive through the vast majority of the Southern United States, and I assure you, I will find more than enough people to tell me.

Bitter Betty's Quote-fest

"The plutonic relationship is a lukewarm, sexless waiting room where you sit in an uncomfortable chair, leaf through the same dog-eared copy of People over and over again with the knowledge that your name will never be called." -- F. Tanner Colby.

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." -- Jules Renard

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- from Love is Hell by Matt Groening

Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
Ms.Krabappel: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone. *chuckles*

"Nature plays human beings a scurvy trick in allowing a blind instinct to mature before thought and insight are sufficiently developed to act as a check." -- from Fruits of the Earth by Frederick Grove

Carrie: People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates: hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar. -- from Sex & The City

Hypothesis Proven!

I have composed and performed a very scientific study analysing the profound and biologically inherent differences between men and women and have had my theory substantiated:

Women are Totally Rude-Ass

For the past 6 weeks or so I have been keeping a tally of every time a door is held open for me vs. every time a door should have been held open for me and the results ladies and gentleman are staggering:

Number of Times a man should have held the door for me:
61
Number of Times said man actually did:
50
Ergo Men held the door
82% of the time

Number of Times a woman should have held the door for me:
68
Number of Times said woman actually did:
47
Ergo Women held the door
69% of the time

I am not one to assign gender assumptions on anyone but what's the deal ladies? Not only are you less likely to hold a door open but according to this air-tight research you are also the most likely to snake through a door as it's closing even if you notice someone behind you. You are less likely to hold elevator doors open, more likely to take an elevator for a single flight of stairs and this one was a shocker; slightly less likely to say Thank You. I've always considered you the superior gender ladies so lets get crackin' on some courtesy. No one is asking for a curtsy as you avert your eyes as someone passes through your opened door, but a simple bump and even a forced half-smile is all I ask.

(all statistics compliled are the anger-ridden findings of Jamie, often on a morning he is late, often holding his bag, a McMuffin, a stack of files and his contempt for life in general.)

Lyrical Improvements : Kelis

from the mind of my friend Sean:

My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
and they're like
It's better than yours
damn right
It's better than yours,
I could teach you
but I have two jobs
and I don't have time.

Is Rubber the New Gold?

These things are out of control! What started as a cool fundraiser for a worthy cause is becoming a ridiculous tickle-me-elmo like craze. Good lord there is a colour for everything: "Oh, this orange and pink polka dot one is for feline AIDS: it's the number one killer of domestic cats; and this purple and gold one represents my support of equal rights for albino midgets and this cool shimmery one I got in a 2-4 of Heineken...I think it means I like Heineken".

If you want to support a charity or raise awareness of a cause then tell people about it, walk in a fundraiser or volunteer some time or money; donning a piece of rubber that chafes your wrist is a great first step but corporations are catching wise and promotional swag looking just like these is on its way. So like the bangles and the snap bracelets before them, let us put them away...next to the pogs, butterfly clips and our CD single of Snow's "Informer".

Super-Mega Lightning Shield Activate!

If lightning had struck your home, what would your first course of action be? If you were a certain resident you would ask, nay demand the City take responsibility for the well-being of its citizens and make sure they are protected. Well luckily the 2005 budget has approved the "Anti-Lightning" initiative which includes sending each and every resident his or her own magic contra-bolt boots and a single pill which absorbs any and all foreign electricity in the body. People may try and tell you you're just wearing galoshes and eating a SweetTart but they just wish they're family was as safe as yours. The tangy taste in the centre means it's working.