Oh Me Oh My

Friday, July 22, 2005

For the Kids?

Honestly, why must every event description I post end with "and face painting for the kids"? Do children even like face painting? It seems so obligatory at these wholesome family events: pony rides, hot dogs, Hillary Duff impersonator and face painting for the kids! But it's not limited to just that, it's everywhere: Goth Bachanal tonight at the Havenwood cemetery. Events include ceremonial slaying of 3 virgins, drinking from the chalice of sorrow, performance by Countess Cobwella and face painting for the kids! It's not a good idea because it's rarely done well and it's actually sorta dirty. (see examples below)

This is an awesome job clearly done by a professional. The kid is having fun and look at him - he's frickin' adorable. Alas professional face painters are not usually on site and the duty is instead taken up by some kind of volunteer, which brings us to...

What is most common: This girl looks like a cross between a greased up mechanic and someone with 3 zits that simultaneously popped on her face. For her trouble she will look like a complete tool and most likely develop a case of whisker-shaped eczema since that same brush was used on like 40 kids before her and lord knows where their faces have been.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

An Open Letter

Dear SUV Driver

We haven't met before but I was the guy behind you in the City Hall parking lot. Kudos on mastering that 8 point turn by the way. I met one of your colleagues on the way out that very same day. They'd tinted their windows all around--illegal, sure but nothing says "King of the Road" like literally eclipsing the competition. Who needs to see oncoming traffic anyway? I must've made a good impression because on the way home I had one of you follow me so closely our cars were practically kissing. Thank goodness I didn't have to brake suddenly or we would have become a lot closer a little too quickly--and I dont move that fast on a first date.

As I pulled in to get gas I had the pleasure of witnessing yet another one of your family do some pretty fancy driving to skip the whole "waiting your turn part"--fancy stuff I tell ya, he just came outta nowhere! Impressive to say the least. I understood that he needed to get there first; afterall he needs about 8 times the fuel to tame these wild suburban streets--what with their unassuming smoothness and complex simple grid navigation.

So I just thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm Jamie,
and you're an asshole.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Kaiceey or Kahlua?

Maya Rudolph as Tyra Banks:
(to ANTM hopeful Kahlua):
I feel you are relying too much on your hair. This is not America's Next Top Hair Model; that's my other show and it's on right after this.

Scroll at bottom of screen:
UPN: Up Next "America's Next Top Hair Model"

Tina Fey as Janice Dickinson:
Oh Please, sex is a part of this business OKAY. I mean I had to sleep with Meatloaf alright, and that was just to get a ride here today.

Online Dating Decoded

For all the ladies and gay dudes out there the following key words or phrases have been translated to help you better understand the guy on the other end of the screen:

I don't bite (unless you want me to; not hard anyway, unless you're into that) = Horrendously uncreative, probably just as dull in bed

I like going out but also staying in, I can be fun but also serious = There are countless examples of this. "I like stuff, do you like stuff". Why bother? SAY SOMETHING!

Looks don't matter = Although very noble it makes you wonder. If looks really don't matter just don't mention them. If someone's casting a net out for the uggies they probably have some self-esteem problems

Discreet = Married

Looking for LTR, but... = If someone is looking for a long term relationship but doesn't mind "some fun" in the meantime, they're not really looking.

Not Into Head Games = Oh, well I was a complete douchebag who was gonna totally mess with your head but thanks for the warning that that is not what you're into. Usually a sign of emotional baggage from previous douchebags

5 foot 10 = 5 foot 8

160 Pounds = 180 Pounds

Smoking & Drinking = Upgrade every answer given: socaially means ocassionally, ocassionally means regularly, regularly means at any free moment and anything more than that means you are chatting with Joe Camel or Captain Morgan

Picture = This is them at their best or after graduating Cum Laude with the class of '91. Be prepared that when meeting them in person they will not be in black and white or seen through a vaseline covered lens.

Happy Dating :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Guac, Drop & Roll

I would like to introduce you my current source of weakness. Doritos Guacamole flavour you are killing me with your subtle mix of avacado, garlic, pepper and the subtlest hint of lime that dances on my tastebuds coaxing me to take one more chip, and again until the 300g bag is empty and I am tearing it open licking the insides for one more taste...so good when it touches the lips.

I beat your ketchup chips, and even the infamous late-night Hoops runs...but I never thought you'd sink this low.


Monday, July 18, 2005

Folding @ The Falls

On Saturday after Jay's Grad Party (Oh The Headbanz fun--waita innovate Adge) Earl, Trish, Mike and myself went to Niagara at 3:00 in the morning. Now for those of you who don't know me I am known for falling asleep as soon as the clock hits the double digit hours so this was truly uncharacteristic of me.

We went to Fallsview Casino where I played Caribbean Stud Poker with WAY too high an ante and pretty much gambled away far more money than I had to spend. And as an added kick-to-the-nuts I was informed that after I left the table the guy who got the cards that would have been mine drew 4 sixes - FUCKADOO!

Mike was smart and didn't spend too much, Earl developped what can only be described as a frightening video poker fixation where he'd go through like 12 hands in 1 minute with a speed of hand nurtured from years of masturbation. As for Trish some random dude walked up to her and stuck his claim ticket into her machine and walked away....it had 50 bucks on it! Now Trish says she did nothing to bring this on, but people don't just stick their claim tickets in your machine unless you let them stick their claim tickets in your machine if you catch my drift.

Then we went to the falls for the sunrise while I pooped myself in fear that my parents would kill me when I walked in the door. We got home around 7:45 a.m. and I am still running on only a couple hours sleep but good times were had by all.

...and if you didn't catch my drift I meant vagina.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

Why I Heart: Natalie Dee

I can't put into words how much I love her drawings. Go to www.nataliedee.com and if you don't laugh let me know and I will immediately delete you from my address book.