An Open Letter

Dear SUV Driver

We haven't met before but I was the guy behind you in the City Hall parking lot. Kudos on mastering that 8 point turn by the way. I met one of your colleagues on the way out that very same day. They'd tinted their windows all around--illegal, sure but nothing says "King of the Road" like literally eclipsing the competition. Who needs to see oncoming traffic anyway? I must've made a good impression because on the way home I had one of you follow me so closely our cars were practically kissing. Thank goodness I didn't have to brake suddenly or we would have become a lot closer a little too quickly--and I dont move that fast on a first date.

As I pulled in to get gas I had the pleasure of witnessing yet another one of your family do some pretty fancy driving to skip the whole "waiting your turn part"--fancy stuff I tell ya, he just came outta nowhere! Impressive to say the least. I understood that he needed to get there first; afterall he needs about 8 times the fuel to tame these wild suburban streets--what with their unassuming smoothness and complex simple grid navigation.

So I just thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm Jamie,
and you're an asshole.