Oh Me Oh My

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Springtime for Jamie in Germany?

So I took the "Which Leader are You?" quiz online and the above was the result I got. Darek is like Bill Clinton, Bren is like Che Guevera and Jen G is frickin' Gandhi, and I end up with one of the most horrible men in history. I even re-did the test and got the same result. It was just like the time I was sorted into Slytherin on the Harry Potter website. It kinda sucks to be assumed evil--even if it's just by some frivolous web page. It doesn't help when your mother reminds you that you're an "animal" for not going with her to mass, and that ever since high school people like to kid that you're the devil or that you'll burst into flames if you walk into a church. I'm a good person dammit! Right? Anybody?

The part in the description that rings true is the "you focus on worst-case scenarios" segment. I just had this conversation with a friend who pointed out that I can be a really negative son-of-a-bitch. This is not to say that I go around calling people names or shitting on people's accomplisments but I'm usually the first to say a movie sucks. If you're buying something I think is a waste of money I'm gonna tell you. If a plan is getting too big and it seems like there are too many holes, I'll point it out. I bitch a lot come to think of it. And when it comes to people I usually assume the worst of them.

This makes me sound like a huge downer but I like to think I reflect the opposites as well. I may be more than willing to cut up a movie I didn't like, but I'm also the person who raves forever about the one they loved. If I rag on something a friend buys it isn't because I want to be a downer, it's because I know what it's like to look at something you bought 6 months ago and know it was a huge waste of money. I may bitch too much but I like to think it's just because I talk too much period; so my ratio of talking to bitching is about the same as most people in the end. I may assume the worst in people but I am also easily blown away by the smallest act of kindness.

So for this New Year I can't promise I won't whine or kvetch or gripe. I can't promise I'll give my thumbs up to your 60 dollar scarf that cost 35 cents to make, or not say anything snarky during Bad Boys 3, but what I can promise is that I will try to avoid becoming a vicious dictator bent on forging a super race.

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Post-Menopausal Me

I may as well cut off my junk and bone up on growing begonias now, because my last professional link to anyone under 50 has been severed. Add to this the fact that at least 98% of the people I work with are of the fairer sex, I should just embrace my inner Ya-Ya sister and get it over with.

Sacha is my best friend at work...or should I say was. The only other person in her 20s that I work with has found a new job and has moved on. I threatened to kill her, shun her, even *gasps* cut her out of the America's Next Top Model pool, but to no avail. To say I'll miss her is an understatement as she is one of the only things that make my shifts tolerable. Not to mention that until we get someone new we are double short-staffed, which means buckets of work are going to be coming my way.

I am actually in her corner though, even though I'm certainly being a jerk about it. Where she is unhappy being the overeducated drone working in the mines and is taking the steps to escape, I have put up the proverbial family photos, dug in my lazy heals and accepted full-time worker bee status. Though someone in my general age bracket may be hired to take her place I am prepping to greet who I'm sure we'll be a lovely mother of 3.

Where once my good work conversations were about dating and sex and social issues and life at large, I will have to get used to the "How was your weekend" norm.


I'll miss you Sacha.

Your "haunted" friend,

Friday, December 16, 2005

Because Misogyny is Endearing

The world of Archie comics is insanely sexist. The kicker is that it hasn't changed in over half a century and everyone still thinks of it fondly. I was flipping through some very old covers of the Archie series and came across this comic on the left. Upon learning that she is apparently an academic prodigy destined to change the world, Ms. Betty Cooper remarks that she'd give it all up to win Archie's heart. That's awesome! Who needs personal successes when you can be boned by a philandering carrot-top instead. "America's Typical Teen-Ager", really? Wow.

This one isn't so bad: "girls are easy to take"--Oh Archie, you're so clever. The illustration might be better if the girls were perhaps tied up or forced into some sort of deranged sex act or something. At least the subtext would be a lot clearer, but luckily the line at the top keeps us clued in: "Read How Archie Treats his Women Rough". How were people not offended by this kind of thing? Maybe if Veronica had a fat lip or Betty was wearing shades it might get more of a reaction.

I know what you're thinking. It's just a harmless comic. How could "America's Largest Selling Teen-Age Magazine" be all that bad? Truthfully, it's not. I don't think anyone was permanently warped by it, but the part that kills me is that it hasn't changed in all the decades it's been around. I came across a new one recently that is set at a bowling alley. Jughead has just finished his turn and enthusiastically tells his friend, "Hey Arch, I got a spare". Archie is walking away with his eternally lovelorn wenches (one on each arm) and comments, "So do I". This is made worse by the fact that Betty and Veronica are actually laughing at this. What the fuck is so funny? He pretty much just called you expendable you stupid bitches, why haven't you bitten his nuts off yet!?

Why are they so obsessed with him? You are two smokin' hot, (in one case smart and athletic and in once case rich and vengeful) girls. Why have you been wasting your time for 60+ years!? Every issue is the same--are you hoping for some sort of miraculous change. Let me get you up to speed. One of you will discover a cure for the common cold, or organize a giant charity fashion show or balance a live alligator on your tongue, all in a thinly veiled attempt to win his cheating heart. Then whichever one of you is not currently on the Nobel Prize short list will walk by in a bikini and say something coy and flirty and the other's efforts to change the world to impress that loser are all for naught.

Attempts were made at modernizing the girls: Betty worked on cars, and Veronica's business savvy was showcased and they both played in a high school band...as backup...and the band was called "The Archies" because he is the center of their universe. Did I mention Betty got to play tambourine; waita fight those gender roles girls.

The worst part is that Betty & Veronica are dull as dishwater unless they are in competition with eachother--then the brains and sass and personality come out; and all it takes is the hurtful sting of betrayal from your best friend. What kind of friends actively hurt eachother like Betty & Veronica anyway? Their greatest (and pretty much only) bonding time is when a third girl enters the picture and they join forces: 2 times the jealousy, 2 times the cattiness! This seems to be their all-too temporary wake-up call: the guy you love is an asshole and your insatiable need for abuse and neglect is pretty fucked up.

Cheryl Blossom was an awesome character. She was Archie's third love interest (and eventually discovers they're blood relatives - yuck!). Pop her Cherry..er Cheryl Blossom causes a rift between Betty & Veronica by flirting with Archie in her seductive probably his cousin way, and neither knows she exists, assuming that Archie has chosen the other, they declare war. Their weapons? Slutty dancing and Super Soakers. Yes, they'll win back his heart by making him pop a load. And that's the sound of the womens' movement falling through a black hole.

The sad part is that women in real life do act like this sometimes, and do go for the assholes who never stop treating them like shit. Except if comics were real life, Betty would be seeking child support she'll never get, and Veronica would have genital warts.

Actually scratch that. People have theorized it before, but any man who refuses to pick one or the other is probably not happy with his choices *wink wink*

Enough Said.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Ho Ho Ho Seeeeasons Greetings

It's the holidays people; spread some frickin' cheer. I am seriously going to lose it over the Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays debate. I just heard yesterday that Christian groups in the states are asking their members to boycott companies that are advising their staff to wish their customers a non-denominational "Happy Holidays". I can't tell you the rage this fills me with. I am constantly fighting with people who dig their heels in on one side or another. Half of people seem to think Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings is more inclusive and that Merry Christmas is offensive. The other half believe that the holiday is best recognized as Christmas and so should be addressed as such; "Happy Holidays" takes away from the season. And to both these groups I send a resounding "Go Fuck Yourselves".

I am about as against modern Christianity as any one person can be, but if someone wishes me a Merry Christmas I will smile and return the favour. Wish me a Happy Hanukkah and I will do the same back at you. On top of that I hope you have a joyous Kwanzaa, a slap-happy winter solstice and a kickin' Eid ul-Fitr. They are words. Innocuous words that are said with good intention. You don't celebrate the holiday? Who gives a shit!? As long as people are trying to spread some kind of positive energy just nod and smile you irritating joykill. Reserve feeling offended for when something offensive happens you frickin' pussy. It's not like the commercial christmas has anything to with religion anyway.

And as for people who get angry that "Merry Christmas" is not the phrase of choice for everyone--get your head out of your ass and look around for a second. Not everyone is Christian and honestly that's a great thing. Diversity is positive. When the let's face it, racist argument of "It was Christmas first, and now we let them change it" comes along I just about get murderous. Who the fuck said it was Christmas first you arrogant sack of shit. Don't act like any North American country has it's oldest roots in Christian theology because we all know that's entirely false. If someone wants to wish someone else, Happy Holidays as to not recite the plethora of holidays that encapsulates--good for them. If you want to wish people Merry Christmas--good for you. If either of these statements offends you and you're good and ready to make a stink about it, then get a hobby, like knitting, or scrapbooking, or suicide.

We're all from different cultures and it's time people stop being so fuckin' sensitive or secretly racist about it. The nativity scene bothers some people because it seems to highlight one religion over another--and it does, so why not highlight the others too. Instead of working hard to get it torn down, work hard to get a matching Hanukkah display or talk to your co-workers and friends about what you did during Ramadan. Get over being exclusive. Get over being superior. Odds are everyone is wrong anyway and God is in fact dead, or 60 people, or a giant carrot. You may think you know, but you have what anyone else does--a guess.

For now all people really have is eachother and the holidays are a time to embrace your friends and your family--the fact you made it through another year. Celebrate as you so choose but don't judge others for doing the same, because that just makes you an asshole.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to get that off my chest. Have an awesome holiday whatever you choose to do with it.

Friday, December 09, 2005

But Can I Get My Time Back?

Does anyone like Nickelback? I mean that in all sincerity. I'm not trying to be bitchy or judge anyone's taste in music but I have yet to meet someone with any vested interest in this band. And it's not like I meet with indifference either, most people really really don't like them. Everytime that song "Photograph" comes on I actually get upset--I hate it that much. The lyrics are like grade 9 poetry and Chad Kroeger has this weird Cher electronic voice thing going on: "Do you believe in life after love, HO!".

If you are reading this and you or someone you know just can't get enough of Nickelback I want you to leave a comment explaining why. I think Nickelback fans deserve a forum to explain why oh why they love 'em like they do. Is it just CRTC regulations that force us to hear their songs like 23 times a day? Someone somewhere has helped them sell millions of albums right? It's great to see Canadian artists succeed but their success continues to baffle me. It was like the Spice Girls. They were the biggest group in the world and yet NO ONE would admit to owning one of their albums, but we all knew 8 year old girls and gay dudes in their 20s would keep them alive as long as they kept recording.

Nickelback, who is your obscure demographic?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

12 Days of X-Mas

Once again I think I was one of the only people in the dark about the "12 Days Of Christmas" Song. Did everyone else know it's a Christian allegory about the bible? At first I didn't want to believe it since a few of the days seem like a bit of a stretch: (nine ladies dancing is supposed to be the 9 fruit of the holy spirit!?) but with reflection I guess it makes sense that the four calling birds are the four gospels, and those 10 lords a-leaping are the 10 commandments, I just think it ruins a perfectly pointless jingle. Though there is no proof one way or another, some believe it was used to teach the catechism to children; meaning the gifts from "my true love" were actually from God.

To add to the poo-pooing, apparently the 12 days of Christmas begin on Christmas and end on January 5th or 6th or Epiphany. Isn't that kind of anti-climatic? The gifts are open, the food is eaten, the celebrations have been had, and NOW they decide to start--LAME!

Luckily the song has been saved by some hilarious holiday advertising; my favourite of which is the carollers singing in the Best Buy along the lines of:
"5 DeeeeVeeeDeeeeeeeeees, 4 computer games ,3 I-Pods, 2 plasma screens, and batteries"
Best Buy Employee: Don't you mean (singing): "and some batteries for my digital camera"
Carollers (still singing): No.

There is also the radio ad where a woman is coming into UPS for the third day in a row or something and after shipping the pear tree and the doves she is all frazzled trying to get the French hens in a box and when the employee notes that she is shipping the geese a bit early she's like, "WELL THEY'RE LAYING RIGHT NOW!". Priceless.

Carnival Cruise Lines are having a 12 days of Christmas sale and send me a new deal via e-mail every day for 12 days. Today's e-mail was hilarious if you try singing it:
"On the third day of Christmas Carnival gave to me...
Buy an interior stateroom and get an upgrade to an oceanview FREE!"
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

I remember I used to think if I ever met someone awesome I would shower them with a gift every day for 12 days that sort of sounded like the gifts in the song:

Lorrrrd of the Riiiiiings
4 Collared Shirts
Some French bread
2 Tickets to the Doves
and a new fridge with some pears in it for free.

...I think It's clear why I've never implemented this plan.

Monday, December 05, 2005

To My Homies and Associates

Hey Guys. Since my blog's readership is primarily buddies of mine and a handful of angry robot enthusiasts, I have decided to compile a list of all the blogs kept by my friends. Everyone's website had a few scattered here and there but now you can come to one source to link to all these wonderful people. From the wonderfully artistic: Kamilla, Jay-Loo, Claudia I envy you, to the reflective: Earl, Janey, Luis, to the entirely random: Darek, Mel, Kevin. There is something for everyone.

So go ahead, scroll down and get to know your friends or a complete stranger a little better...through an unfeeling screen, in the infinite void of cyberspace.