Fierce!

At www.telvisionwithoutpity.com (my website de jour) they recap episodes of TV shows with enough sarcasm to keep you neck-deep in snark for days. This always works best on reality shows because as we all know these people are "characters" and have no feelings, so ripping into them is jolly good fun. I was reading a recap of the America's Next Top Model recap episode (still with me?) and fell in love with the author because she broke into a fantasy sequence which is something I do a lot while watching reality TV, to the point I am pretty sure I have some attention deficit issues.

In the episode a small, seemingly retarded bird gets into the house. They name him Mr. Bojangles and a way-too-long sequence ensues of the girls chasing it around yelping and laughing and shouting like they just found a unicorn or a pot of gold. At one point someone inquires, "Maybe it wants to be America's Next Top Model". the recapper then imagines what the competition would be like if a sparrow was allowed to be a contestant:

Tyra: There are two lovely top model contenders in front of me, but I only hold one photo in my hands. One of the girls standing before me has all the potential in the world. She's beautiful, she's tall, she has the best body here. She impresses the judges week after week in person, but she can't translate that into fierce photos. The other one standing before me really cares about her physique. She hops around and eats only seed. She gives 100% and she can turn it out in a photo, but the judges aren't sure if the world is ready for a blind model who stands a mere three inches tall. But Mr. Bojangles, you get another chance to prove us wrong. Thanks, Kyle.

I was dying after reading this because my friend Sean and I do the same thing all the time--especially with America's Next Top Model. One of my favourites is when Jayla steals Nik's secret and uses it in her commercial. When one of the other models notices, the conversation goes like this:

Kyle: Wasn't that your..?
Nik: Yeah, whatever. That's just the kind of person she is.
Kyle: That wasn't cool
Nik: It's fine, it'll come back to her--Karma's a bitch.
*enter previously unseen model looking catty and filled with sass*
Karma: Fuck you! You don't fuckin' know me!
Nik: No Karma I was talking about Jayla.
Karma: Don't give me that shit I heard my name you slut-ass liar.
Nik: I meant karma as in the cosmic...
Karma: Say my name again and I'll cut you bitch.
Nik: Karma, you don't underst...
*Karma shanks Nik with a shiv hidden in her afro*

Something both Sean and I are always laughing about it is how hard the judges are on things the girls have no control over like lighting or unforseen elements in the photo:

Tyra: Let's see your best picture.
*picture is displayed and there is a huge bee on the model's face*
Tyra: I don't like this shot, you look really scared.
Nigel: I really don't like that bee thing you're doing with your nose.
Model: I'm not doing anything, it was an actual bee...maybe a wasp.
Tyra: That's the problem. I feel like the bee is wearing you instead of the other way around.
Model: Um...I'm actually really allergic to bee stings.
Tyra: You can't place the blame on the photographer, or the outfit or the bee.
Model: Last time I was stung my face broke out in these painful blisters.
Tyra: As a model it is your job to make that look fierce.
Model: I don't follow
Tyra: Fierce!
Model: That didn't make any sense.
Tyra: You're welcome

For an extra treat watch the opening credits of the current season (cycle 5). It features the girls turning towards the camera as their name flashes on the screen. Most of the girls have the standard model face: half asleep, half angry, but check out Sarah, she looks like Nosferatu. I swear her mouth looks like she's ready to drink plasma. If you see her fingers slowly clasp a wall before she enters a room, RUN LIKE HELL! Plus her shoulder blades are really huge so I'm pretty sure she's hiding bat wings under there.

Man it's easy to criticize people I'll never meet.