The Mamas Not The Papas

Years ago, in one of my entrepreneurial moods I thought of compiling a CD that featured songs about mothers and another with songs about fathers. It could be sentimental and make the perfect Mother's/Father's Day gifts. I was a genius! I began brainstorming songs about mothers: Good Mother by Jann Arden is great because it talks about becoming who you are because of your mom. Spice Girls' Mama and Boys II Men "A Song for Mama" were all about being grateful for what mom had done for you, and Kate Bush's Mother Stands for Comfort is all about how moms are our anchors and protectors. This was awesome, now I just had to start planning for the father's compilation...this is where I ran into trouble.

There are no good songs about fathers. In fact, the few that exist are quite negative. Oh Father by Madonna is all about her mixed feelings toward the dad that beat her as a child. Daddy by Jewel is about her emotionally abusive father who cheated on her mom. It goes on like this. I was pretty much ready to scrap the whole plan when the first glimmer of hope shone on me:
Father Figure by George Michael! It was perfect I thought:

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine.
I will be your preacher, teacher
anything you have in mind.
I will be the one who loves you
'til the end of time.

Touching. Sweet. It was the perfect song to start the CD. With hope renewed I began brainstorming again while listening to the rest of the song. I'll admit the line, "If you ever hunger, hunger for me" seemed somewhat out of place at the time, but I wrote it off as a metaphor for nurturing or something. Then he has that line where he sings. "That's all I wanted, but sometimes love can be mistaken... for a crime". Okay that sorta sounded like the confessions of a child molester but I'm gonna go ahead and assume you meant you love someone so much it's almost criminal...not that said love is actually a punishable offense. Then came the clincher: "Just for one moment, to be warm and naked...at your side". Now it's clear; either George Michael isn't singing about parenthood or there are some traumatized kids out there who have a relapse every time Faith comes on.

Am I seriously the only person who never knew the song was about sex? Why would he include that "put your tiny hand in mine" part then? Did he just like 'em with exceptionally small hands? Did he like them younger? Oh eww, now I have a mental picture of George Michael trying out the whole "who's your daddy" role and once again I am skeeved out. This is what I get for trying to be industrious.