Clio Awards

I used to love the Clio Awards when they were on TV. To this day it's still the only awards show I have ever sat through completely. I loved seeing the commercials from around the world usually too racy or confusing for a North American audience. It's all well and good to recognize excellence in music, film and television but a good commercial will stay with you forever: "Back Off! Get Your Own Sandwich" has become this generation's "Where's the Beef?" Seriously, ask around--everyone remembers that commercial. I thought I would recognize achievement in today's commercials in the categories of most touching, scary, cute, and funny:

MOST TOUCHING
Sick Kids Hospital

The commercial where everyone from patients to lab technicians to doctors sing an oddly sad sounding version of "Lean on Me". The end clip is a little girl singing the final words of the song, "somebody to lean on" before someone applies a gas mask and she closes her eyes...and then the slogan, "They Need Us, and We Need You". How can you not want to give? If I wasn't in training to become a hateful old miser I would cash out my bank accounts and whore myself for any spare change I could donate. *sniff* little troopers *sniff*


MOST SCARY
Dairy Farmers of Canada

First it was the "Want Milk" rap video which was strange enough but then comes the new one where these 2 parents are re-decorating their son's bedroom and throwing out all his shit. Next scene he's eating dinner with them and complimenting them on his new decor. Then out of nowhere this crazy old lady bangs on the window with her crutch and in the most shrill aged voice possible she angrily exclaims, "Want your kids to move out, stop cooking with cheese!" What the fuck? I'm all for randomness but this is just odd and the suddenness of her appearance and the fact she's watching them through the window really freaked me out the first time I watched this commercial. Am I alone on this? Plus she reminds me of this sick woman I had to sit with every time I went to the orthodontist...long story.

MOST CUTE
Robin Hood Flour

I don't know if it's CGI or stop motion or what, but that commercial where the little boy is making muffins with his sister and at the end he fumbles the one in his hand and it falls on the floor making his lip quiver and eyes well up. Cue the audience: "awwwwww". I certainly don't want to buy flour after watching this commercial but I do feel like eating muffins, or a wedding cake or a bacon mushroom melt...

MOST FUNNY
Sexual Health

For some reason not many people have caught this commercial. Soft music, soft lights; The narrator is overseeing a romantic scene of a woman giving a present to a man; the background fades and the furniture changes as do the man's clothes and now he is giving the same present to a new woman. We're thinking, wow what a lame ass recycling an ex's gift and the narrator tells us "after being intimate with a partner you may inadvertently be passing something on to your next partner". She opens the gift and it's a big perfume bottle labeled, Genital Herpes. I swear to god I shit myself laughing when I first saw this commercial. It wasn't just the surprise of what was in the box but the second woman's face--it's frickin' priceless. It's this classic mix of confusion and disappointment more suited to the guy who gets you socks then the one who gives you vaginal sores.

The one thing I can say to food commercial writers is try and make the food desirable. Remember the Pizza Pops commercials where a pizza pop would explode and someone would invariably end up licking the remains off of a window or the floor or a dog's ass. How is this appetizing? The same can be said about a radio commercial I heard for Harvey's just recently where the announcer is talking about a juicy angus burger and proceeds to eat one and talk with his mouth full while he is chewing. I swear I got physically nauseous. What kind of ad for food tries to make you nauseous!? You don't need Paris Hilton masturbating at a car wash or Eva Longoria....um...masturbating with a pepsi, just make the food tasty, and when in doubt dip it in chocolate, cover it in cheese or wrap it in bacon. I challenge you to think of something that can't be made better that way.