Oh Me Oh My

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Respect Your Elders

My friend Crystal (seen in the picture lovingly throttled by our friend Shaun) is a Christmas Eve baby. Now before you feel sorry for her knowing she has to split her birthday with Jesus you must know that for most of her life she celebrated her "half-birthday", which is to say on June 24th she would have the party and the gifts and all the birthday accoutrements. This would be fine if not for the fact that come December 24th she still receives birthday gifts, plus she's from a multi-denominational family so while blowing out the candles on her birthday cake, unwrapping her christmas gifts, lighting the final menorah candle and contemplating Kwanzaa, the twelfth month of the year proves to be quite lucrative for her.

Now, being the naturally jealous grinch I am (in both attitude and body hair dispersion) I mocked her half-birthday, I sneer at the fact she gets Hanukkah gifts even though she isn't Jewish, and consistently remind her that she is the youngest of our friends and therefore needs to treat us with a little more respect, nay reverence as we are so much her seniors. Instead of accepting this as fact and buying us a round of drinks as requested she has the audacity to proclaim that I am only 9 months older than her. This must of course be met with a huge list of the number of things that have been, and can be accomplished in the course of 9 months. This list must always culminate in the point that while I was a newborn baby adoring audiences of young and old alike, Crystal was merely a twinkle in her parents' eyes.

The language I normally use to describe this fact is a lot more visual but having been my friend for the greater part of 13 years she has known me too long be grossed out by my vulgarity. That is until while visiting her last weekend I came up with this gem in a drunken stupor:
"Hey Crys do you realize that while I was coming out of my mom you were coming out of your dad". This elicited the most genuinely disgusted face I've ever seen her make.

Brava Jamie....Brava!


At 1:46 p.m., Anonymous Darek said...

Here's something that will piss you right off. Crystal may have her imaginary half birthday and people are stupid enough to follow and celebrate but I have am authentic holiday that MUST be celebrated in Polish culture.

My NAMESDAY is December 19th, so that means 5 days before we open up our xmas gifts (us Polish usually open them up on the 24th of Decemeber) Im opening up namesday presents and no, they arent like thumbtacks and gum. Usually money, gift certificates and anything Ive specifically asked for :D

At 9:55 p.m., Blogger Joanna said...

Don't forget December 6 - St. Nick's Day... and Kids Day! Polish holidays rock!

At 5:12 p.m., Blogger adge said...

December babies unite!
Throw all the insults you want at us December babies Jamie...at least we aren't OLD! HA...still in our prime, 22! When you are 60 Crystal and I will only be 59...HA...we'll still be young and kickin.

Meh, no point to my reply...just wanted to say that you're old.

At 5:02 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best line ever! Classic quip Jamie. Why aren't you writing plays or sitcoms?

Oh yeah, I'm with Adrienne. December babies are hot shit biz-nitches!


At 2:29 a.m., Blogger Earl Falco said...

KUDOS buddy that tops all the lines ever (*high five) now that i think of it why the hell did we ever celebrate Crystals half birfday who does that?!?!?!? really who? I feel dirty and used. I need to take a baking soda bubble bath minus the bubbles but more Kenny G...did i mention the kenny G before I mean NWA.


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