Oh Me Oh My

Friday, September 16, 2005

Poverty Posing

How many times are you watching a talk show and some celebrity is being interviewed and they're telling you a "real-life" story about baby spit-up or parking tickets or doing laundry and you think to yourself, "wow they have problems just like you and me". Don't be fooled. They don't. They can't possibly. Pretending to be an everyman/woman is the best way to touch your fan base. Oh My God, Catherine Zeta-Jones eats corn chips and hates tele-marketers too, we're like kindred spirits. From the 3 examples listed above, here is what would actually happen if a celebrity was forced to deal with it versus a real serf like the rest of us:

Baby Spit-Up
"Oh No, Sweety now was not a good time to be sick with mommy". She proceeds to rifle through her purse for anything to help clean the stain settling on a wetnap and a carefully placed scarf that somewhat, but not totally covers it up.
"What the F*!k! Have this baby exchanged!" The baby is whisked off to the nearest black-market distributor where it is switched for a less puke-prone child or perhaps a Lhasa Apso; then Saks Fifth Avenue is closed for a day so a new top can be selected in peace.

Parking Tickets
"Oh please Officer I just got out for a second to throw out this wetnap, see my baby was..."
"A likely story, this is a fire exit mam, what if a fire emergency had occured in those 20 seconds; did you ever consider that!?"
The woman apologizes profusely and is given an $85.00 ticket.
"Oh Hello Officer" Makes a headshot ready pose looking back over her shoulder.
"Oh My God! I am so sorry to have wasted your time, is there anything I can do for you. New Baby? Oh sure. The officer returns in 7 minutes with a newborn in hand. Questions aren't asked--there is simply no need.

Doing Laundry
"$18.00 to get the stain out! Are you kidding me". She reluctantly pays knowing this this is the only nice jacket she owns and wants to wear it to her job interview tomorrow.
"This new top is so 11:15." Stylist toady appears out of nowhere with rack of tops that are far more 11:45. All freshened up she calls, "Yolanta take baby away until Thursday's photo shoot". With her weekly "mom time" out of the way she can switch cars from her "Mommy Escalade" to her "Movie Star Escalade".

Other kinds of "relating to the people" that get on my nerves:

Ethnic: When a celebrity who makes more money for one appearance than you do in a full-year tries to pull the whole "I love soul food, fried chicken and grits" routine it seems so forced. They are as Amercian as apple pie when they're being interviewed by a white guy but put them in front of the right audience and suddenly it's all about Mother Africa.

Diet: I know they do it to make us feel like they're just like us, but when a 95 pound model goes on about how she can eat like a whole large pizza and chase it with an Entenmann's cake, I just want to punch her in the throat.

The best is when it backfires and they are so out of touch with reality they think their everyday lives are just like ours:
"I woke up and my maid had sent my Oscar dress to my house in the Hamptons instead of my loft in Tuscany, and I had to get Jeff to halt postal service for the day so I could get it back. Don't you hate when that happens!?"

Look Celebrities, we know you're not like us, you're better--now get back on the pedestals we made for you and do something scandalous.


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