Oh Me Oh My

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Bang Bang (Slit, Snap, Cut, Laugh) You're Dead

After watching trailers and reading reviews for “Wolf Creek” and “Hostel” I am officially never going to see a horror movie again. I get freaked out by 80’s cheese horror (Slumber Party Massacre 2 anyone) and can’t sleep for days after a 90’s slasher flick (I took down the Christmas tree from my room and moved it because one of the ornaments looked like the Scream mask.). So it is no surprise that the new breed of horror film that isn’t so much stab and kill as it is maim and torture physically and mentally has me shitting myself. This is why I have created a list of the 5 things to avoid after seeing a modern horror movie in order to maintain your sanity:

Whispering Children
Never a good thing. If they are wearing long garments or their hair is kinda covering their face, definitely keep your guard up. If they are not looking at you and are not responding when you call to them, DO NOT approach them, as this will result in the biting-off of your face. General avoidance of children at large is probably your best bet. Throwing hot soup at your 7 year old cousin during Christmas dinner, and running away because she quietly asked you for a napkin, will definitely be seen as a social faux-pas.

Non-Main Roads
If you are heading somewhere and there is a shortcut through a rural area, fuck-it. Take the long way through high traffic areas over the backwoods side road every time. If you have stupidly decided to take one of these routes anyway and you get lost or your car breaks down, call CAA. DO NOT venture off on your own and most definitely DO NOT ask any locals for help, as doing so is pretty much ensuring your cannibalization, slash rape and torture at the hands of a hillbilly, slash future as a wax statue.

People with Tools or Instruments (of the non-musical variety)
Doctors are not to be trusted. Same goes for cable guys, mechanics, and especially dentists. On the surface it may seem like they need their instruments to do their jobs, but keep an eye out for certain key things: unexplainable blood on your phone guy’s pliers for instance. As with whispering children the rule of general avoidance is best. It is better to push your appointment with Dr. Aburto for a month down the road, than losing your shit during a routine cleaning at the sight of his plaque scraper resulting in your flailing wildly until accidentally kicking his hygienist in the boob. I have recently learned from my friend Heather who is in dental school that they deal frequently with cadavers—enough said.

I know it is a tall order to say “Never look in a mirror” so I’ll be more practical and advise that once you have looked in the mirror, don’t break your gaze with it except to blink, and even that should be done quickly. Opening a mirrored medicine cabinet to get something is definitely a precursor to closing the cabinet and seeing someone in the mirror who wasn’t there before. This person will not be a friend and will more than likely have ghostly kill-you powers. When washing your face it is advisable that you don’t bend over to splash on the water as this provides ample time for a masked figure to sneak up on you; something that will only become dangerous once you’ve spotted the shadowy reflection in the mirror. You’ll never be attacked as long as you stay focussed.

TIP: When washing you face simply use a damp cloth and blot around the eyes, apply soap in the same manner and use the same cloth to gently wipe away. But be vigilant. Trying to get your eyelids wet is a recipe for disaster.

Sexy Teens in Their Twenties
Do you know any 26 year olds in high school? Do these anomalies of time have rockin’ bodies? If you’re nodding yes to this description take my advice and stay away. This is especially pertinent if they invite you along on a road trip or camping, and is compounded if it is spring break or graduation. If you find yourself in the situation where you suddenly discover your group of supposed teen friends is actually pushing 30, remain calm. DO NOT have frisky forest sex or play some sort of raunchy truth or dare. Stay in your tent as a group fully clothed and wait until daylight. The rules that apply to non-main roads apply here as well.

So let’s re-cap: As long as you avoid kids, side streets, medical or technical professionals, reflective surfaces, and anyone who has ever starred on a show for the WB, you should be okay…until the next time you go to the movies.


At 10:47 p.m., Blogger Joanna said...

here are some hints for everyday paranoia from someone who's an even bigger wimp than you:
-make sure your gigantic-backed desk chair is facing towards you at night so you don't think someone's sitting there
-poke your head out of the shower after your eyes were closed for more than a blink (i.e. using face wash) to make sure murderers didn't get in the bathroom while you weren't looking
-don't look directly out the windows/doors at night when drawing blinds/shutters in case someone's standing there looking in

I'm not even kidding that I did all these things when I was a kid *COUGHstilldoCOUGH*


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