How to Cure a Hangover

The curative properties of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese should be studied with great enthusiasm by medical minds. There should be reports in JAMA extolling the virtues of this simple yet effective breakthrough. Quarter Pounders should be available at pharmacies and health food stores, shelved in the apothecaries betweeen the ginseng and eye of newt, because the magic this little package of fat and oil performs is nothing short of spectacular.

I first began to suspect that the Quarter Pounder could effectively prevent hangovers when it struck me that regardless of how much I drank the prior evening, if the night ended in a 3 a.m. Mickey D's stop, then I would wake the next day feeling healthy and refreshed, showing no symptoms of a classic hangover. I tested this theory with other greasy spoons; stopping for Denny's or Pizza never provided the same relief. I'd wake the next day bleary-eyed with a pounding headache, cursing myself for forsaking what had helped me so many times in the past.

This power isn't associated with their entire menu either. This Saturday my friend Jen was nice enough to drive my drunken ass to McDonald's after we came back from the club. Upon ordering that sweet greasy panacea we were told that they started serving breakfast at 4--it was like 4:15. After lamenting those lost minutes I settled on breakfast burritos (not as gross as it sounds) and headed home. Needless to say I woke up at like 9:45. Unable to sleep anymore with my faint nausea and throbbing head I took the bus back to where I'd left my car, wishing we'd left the club 15 minutes earlier.

Now many of my friends have jumped on the healthy living train, which is great--forgoing late night runs to The Grille for early morning runs through the park, and replacing gravy on the side with a light vinegarette instead. I know advising people to eat a greaseball burger before bed will send them to their calculators, inputting data to figure how this sinful indiscretion will affect their Body Mass Index, but on occassion isn't a little latenight "beef" and "cheese" worth a pain-free morning...or more accurately a pain-free 4 in the afternoon?